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• in Relationship Advice

Video Summary

In this video, Matthew Hussey talks about how to change a partner’s behavior when he doesn’t value you.

Why does he treat you so casually?

One simple answer: it’s because you let him. We can’t stop people from behaving badly but we can decide how we react when they behave badly or when they treat us as lower value than we really are. In that moment, we get to make a decision about whether to stay or to go, whether to say something or be passive. If somebody is continuing to treat us badly, it’s because we’re allowing them to do so.

Why do we allow someone to do that?

What is it in us that allow them to keep doing that behavior over and over? One reason we might give is because we really like someone or we love them. When we really love someone, we wanna be with them and we’ll try and justify their behavior. If our self-worth is so low, we’ll find a way to stay because leaving is scary.

What’s created in our minds is cognitive dissonance.

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It’s the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs or attitudes. We’ll find all sorts of ways to justify the situation we’re in instead of being honest with ourselves in saying “If I valued myself more, I would have gone by now”. At the very least, you would have much more frank and honest conversations with this person so that they know your worth, too. If we don’t put high value on ourselves, they don’t put high value on us, either.

And of course, in a relationship, when we’re not communicating honestly about what we don’t like and not allowing someone to see the repercussions of not treating us with enough respect, they don’t feel any incentive to change. So they keep doing the same behavior or the behavior gets worse. They keep pushing the boundaries to see what they can get away with.

At this point, you reach a pain threshold and leave. The danger is at the point of leaving, your self-worth continues to go down and you think to yourself, “Maybe he isn’t that bad” or “Maybe I deserve that bad treatment”. It creates this feedback loop where all of these things play into your low value. And that allows you to either go back to him again or find somebody else who treats you equally as bad. You get into these repetitive cycles of having the same behavior over and over again.

How do you break this cycle?

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You break this cycle by paying attention to your instincts early on in the relationship.

Or if you’ve been in a relationship for years, paying attention to the instincts you’ve had all along. Instincts are the moments where you feel like something isn’t right. These are the moments where fundamentally, this person isn’t treating you the way that you want. There’s a simple test for this.

When you think about your ideal man, the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and how he treats you- the level of worth and the level of value he places on you, is the person in front of you giving you that?

It’s not enough to have instincts. Many of us have these gut feelings that we’re in the wrong place or we’re making the wrong decisions or we shouldn’t be with this person. But we don’t act on them. Trusting your gut is only half of the puzzle. The other half is being able to actually act on your gut. It’s having the strength, the courage and the self-worth to do what you know you should do. The irony is that when our self-worth is low, we begin to trust our instincts less.

About Matthew Hussey

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To know more about Matthew, visit www.howtogettheguy.com.

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